My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
