I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
