Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
