All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
