yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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