Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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