Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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