it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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