my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
