You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
my nose is crying tears of wow.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
