My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
