Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
