it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
