She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
