weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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