If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
