I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
