my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
