the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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