I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
