What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Dicks are not precious.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
