We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
