dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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