Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
