Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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