Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
