Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
