Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think your dad took our porno
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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