Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
