Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
