I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
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No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
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I just want to make out with him forever
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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