if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
