I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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