we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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