I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
