drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
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please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..