and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
