I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
