I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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