if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
