Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
