Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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