Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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