The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
