I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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