saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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