Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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