So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He? As in you personified your dick?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
