well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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