My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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