he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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