ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
