fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
